EXCITED!!—but left out.

I want to preface this by saying this is a rewritten version of this entry. I decided my first version did not show the respect I have for Officer and his position. I love Officer very much and I realize he’s not perfect. However, he’s my man and I respect him and stand by him in everything, even in what I write.

Excited, but feeling left out. I think this must be the theme of being a new police officer’s wife. Officer is a police officer and I am not. He fights the bad guys, I sit a desk. He has all the great stories to entertain family and friends. He tells stories of stupid drunks and apprehending crooks. What stories do I have? I’m not part of his stories any more. My stories are not as interesting as Officers. this is what I all of the sudden found myself thinking. I didn’t expect to question my value when Officer started his new job, but that is exactly what happened.

Each day that passed Officer came home talking about the fun stuff he did. He LOVES his new job! LOVES IT! Does he love me? When is my time? When do we get to talk about me and my concerns/hopes/dreams/day? I remember thinking these thoughts. It was hard for me to talk about. I don’t like feeling like I’ve somehow lost value in the eyes of the man that I love. I was feeling forgotten in the whole rush of changing events.

During the first weeks and months, it seemed to me more like Officer had joined a cult then a police department. The cult of the cops seemed to me, very exclusive. Officer was a part of it but he was unsure of how I fit in, so I felt left out. Officer wanted to be accepted as part of the group. He was feeling his way around slowly. It was hard for me to be supportive while he was constantly assessing himself and being assessed by others. I already knew he would be a great cop, why was it so important that he follow all the social rules? Officer didn’t know where he fit in yet and more than that he was didn’t know how I would fit in with his new career.

I had a conversation with him attempting to explain why I felt so forgotten. “It’s like you are part of a club, and you don’t want me to be, or don’t think that I can be part of that club with you. But we are married so I am a part of it.” I was pretty strong about how I was feeling. I thought I was undervalued (Not all because of Officer’s new job, but partly). Call me silly but it hurts when you feel like your best friend doesn’t want you to be part of his life. (Of course I realize now that this was just a fleeting feeling that would get better with time.) I might be wrong but I think that being married automatically gives you and all access pass to your spouse’s life. I was in tears by the time the conversation finished. I think what I felt mostly was a sense of exclusion. We had been working together throughout the application process and now that it was over it was like he was highered and I was rejected. I know Officer did not mean to completely hold me out of this new part of his life, he was learning the ropes and he wanted to protect me.

Officer was learning the unwritten social rules and he didn’t want to do things the hard way. He went out of his way and above and beyond all the time. In the first weeks Officer spent most of his time on police related stuff. He studied for hours when he was not at work. He watched police movies when he had down time. He looked online for all the gear he wanted to get for work.
It took time. My words explaining how I felt helped him to understand how I felt but they didn’t change anything. It took time for him to settle in, to form a group with the other newbie’s, and to realize The cop club is for wives too (well at least most of the time). I’m still excited for him, and not quite feeling so left out these days.